So I’m setting up this site thingy at the wonderful advice of my friend Jenny, and partway through the set-up I have this horrible feeling.

Why on earth am I doing this? I’m not really the kind of person to just post things online for people to see. I really don’t like being put it that kind of vulnerable position. What if people don’t like me? What if they think I’m stupid? What if they think I write badly? What if they think I’m crazy for liking spinach?

As you can see, I run a little bit on the paranoid side of the road. Seriously, have you ever been in a room with several people, or just sitting in rather close proximity to someone, and all the sudden wonder if you smell bad? What if you just stink but you can’t tell because it’s you? What if that person beside you is wishing they could just get up and move because your stench is so unbearable, but they won’t because they don’t want to appear rude?

I wonder that, nearly every day.

I remember my best friend’s psychology teacher saying once that most people develop severe cases of schizophrenia and paranoia during their college years. This is only my second semester, so I have at least three years left to go crazy. Did you know David Bowie has a history of…well…insanity…in his family and was paranoid about going crazy for years? (Or perhaps is still paranoid about it.)

But anyways, what I was saying–I had this horrible-feeling-attack as I was setting up this site. I’m not really used to doing this sort of thing. Seriously, when I was part of an online message board thingy I would ponder over a post for anywhere between fifteen minutes and an hour before I would actually post the stupid thing. Then, I would cringe as I pushed the button and hope to God I hadn’t said anything ridiculous. In nearly five months’ time  I posted comments a whopping twelve times. Maybe this will be good for me then, huh? Broaden my horizons. Confront my fears!

All of the sudden I have this overwhelming desire to put deodorant on…


10 thoughts on “

  1. i know exactly what you mean . .sometimes when i’m talking to someone, i have the sudden urge of embarrasment. . i probably have something in my teeth .. but i [usually] don’t . :)don’t feel too worried about what others think of you here (( or anywhere, for that matter!)). . if they don’t like you for who you are, they’re the one who’s missing out.
    – h e i d i –

  2. Anonymous says:

    yes you do write well, I write, I am not a great writer yet but you have to remember, if you are happy with what you write then evry one else will be happy to read it..I  thought that way when I first came here, maybe no one would like me or my writing, but they do, and I have made many friend’s here, and they are all so great..I  think you will be ok here.. you will fit in just fine, please come see me sometime, xanga people are more than just friend’s, to me they are my family.. but any way’s I wanted to come see you and welcome you to xanga… so welcome Alli, my name is crazybear… and it is so nice to meet you..

  3. i don’t have paranoid fantasies about that. i am worried, however, that someone runs before me everywhere i go, especially the first day of class, and announces to everyone there: “ashley’s on her way to this class. she’s a little… well, you see, she might zone out. and start babbling. she’s also insecure and thinks she has psychic powers. and, above all, do not mention that i was here to her, don’t tell her i told you she’s a little bit crazy.”you’ve made a good start, though. and this is for you, don’t worry about what we think…

  4. Well, in my time here I’ve discovered that there are people who will come by, read and stay, and those who drop in and go away, never to be seen again. I used to worry that I’d offended those who left. What I discovered, though, is that it wasn’t usually ME that had caused them to go, it was something within them…so I write what I like, and people can read it, stay, go, or whatever they choose, just like it works in life. We can’t make anyone like us, all we can do is be us, and hope. So be you, no one else can be!

  5. awh.. don’t be nervous.Xanga is heaps of fun.. =D !!I hope you stick around..Besides.. even if you DO post something stupid… (which, you PROBABLY won’t.. because, stupid posts are kind of my department… ) .. no one’s gonna laugh at your or anything..
    I *promise*.

    (( . shauna . ))

  6. Uh-oh — we’re not allowed to post stupid things on here?  I’m going to have to rework my whole site!Definitely don’t worry about what people think.  This place is so much fun b/c people can say anything and no one takes it overly seriously.So keep posting.  I’ve already learned something from you — it WAS college that made me lose my mind!

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